INAPPROPRIATE

     Weinstein, Al Franken, Louis CK, Tom Cole, Blake Farenthold, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, Donald Trump. The list goes on and on. I wonder where this road lead is leading. But first a disclaimer:

Predatory sexual behavior is not okay. Sexual assault is not okay. Sexual harassment is not okay. Abuse of power and aggression towards women is definitely not okay. In no way am I demeaning these very serious things. And in no way am I excusing these behaviors. Or mitigating the actions of the perpetrators.

     I humbly make this disclaimer as a plea for conversation. To say that we should never be above a worthy discussion or deem a subject below our effort. I only ask for a discussion free from the dogmatic judgment and reactionary anger that clouds the conversations in our society. 

Too often, at the first chance we get, we label any person or idea as either friend or foe, no matter how premature or inaccurate these labels may be. Some of you may even be doing this as you read these words, even before I've said much of anything. I simply wish, as much as is possible, to make observations about these 'hot button' issues without stirring the self righteous rage or reactionary indignation that drowns out voices and blinds our vision. 

This is just a plea, to put down our preconceived notions and emotional baggage, so that we can talk about the issues that we face as a society. Because we must come to some understanding.

This disclaimer might be misleading and it's unfortunate that it is even necessary. It might lead you to assume that I will have an offensive position or controversial stance. Something that will stir the preverbal pot, but this isn't the case, or at least it isn't intended to be. I sincerely pose these questions with humility and compassion, intended, only to spark conversation. I have no real agenda or preference for the out come or the answers put forth. 

I've come to see that our need to view issues as either 'completely black or white' is more of an illusion than a reality. So once again it is our responsibility to hash out the causes, the repercussions, and the solutions to the problems we face. 

We all know that this type of sexual behavior is a problem, or at least we should, but almost everyone I hear seems to be content with just claiming a superficial outrage. This is the safest and easiest stance but it does little in the way of a pragmatic analysis of the root causes and possible solutions to these harmful actions. Unfortunately this is all too common these days: Safe and easy, over, difficult but necessary.

Regardless of our preferences, there must be a line drawn when it comes to the issue of indecent sexual behavior. Especially in the work place. This piece is me, simply wondering out loud, where the line is to be drawn and what the consequences should be for crossing it. My attempt at a conversation that I can't have in here.

With that being said I want to make a prediction: That the nearly constant revelations of celebrities accused of sexual harassment will not stop anytime soon. At some point I think we will find that, in many instances, if we dig deep enough and reach back, far enough into someones past, that most people have had at least one moment worthy of shame, disgust, and embarrassment, depending on where our ever changing level of acceptable behavior currently settles. Especially when it comes to something as complex as human interaction.

Because most men, at some point in their lives, are flawed, confused, flailing idiots, stumbling through life trying to figure out how to deal with other complex people within social conventions. All while trying to figure out how to orchestrate the awkward, nuanced, and often ridiculous dance of courtship and sexuality. And like most bumbling idiots, many people get it wrong. 

It's obvious that, 'getting it wrong' or making mistakes is entirely different, than a habitual pattern of sexually aggressive or abusive behavior. I'm just wondering how low the bar will be set for an 'indecency' worthy of severe repercussions. If set low enough, we will find, few who are able to clear it.

OK, as I'm writing this, with my TV on in the background, more details involving the Matt Lauer accusations are being revealed and I can no longer continue this piece in the same direction without addressing these overt behaviors. I still have the same questions but his actions are ridiculous, seemingly ongoing, and overtly irresponsible. This asshole distracted me from my whole point. 

So with that being said I guess I'm going to have to be completely specific with my references as not to be confused with these types of acts. Dropping your pants and expecting someone in the workplace to give you a blow job or giving a sex toy as a secret Santa gift with a detailed and explicit note of suggested use is pretty indefensible.

But I guess that brings me to my first question: Are all acts of sexual harassment/inappropriateness equal? I'd assume not. First of all we must make clear that sexual assault is different than sexual harassment, which is different than sexual indecency, right? One is criminal in nature another other is 'wrong' and out of place in nature, and the last is 'creepy asshole' in nature. No doubt they are all wrong in varying degrees.

When it comes to, say Al Franken pretending to honk a pair of boobs over a flack jacket vest while smiling for a photo, compared with Matt Lauer having a secret button installed on the desk in his office, allowing him to lock the door without getting up, so he could drop trow without worry of a coworker escaping before getting a regrettable eyeful of unwanted Lauer, Are they equal? And if they're not equal, should the punishment or repercussions be the same across the board? 

The next question is: where do we draw the line? Sexual assault, is clearly not okay. Sexual harassment? Not okay. Sexual 'indecency'? This is where we need to figure out where to draw the line of what is unacceptable. And once we deem something unacceptable is it also unforgivable?

This is where things can get blurry. Indecency, is relative. Right? What one person views as acceptable behavior, another may deem as offensive or indecent. And if a vague indecency is where the line in the sand is drawn, we will continue to see men of every position, in every industry, of every age and of every class outed as predators and ousted from their place of employment. Because, by definition, nearly every man, at some point in his life, has probably done something that could be considered sexually indecent. Depending on where you set the bar. 

A major part of the problem that we face is that people want to have sex. It's a fact of life. It is THE fact of life. And as long as people have this desire, the initiator of an unreciprocated advance will wind up as the asshole in the situation. Which is fine, I guess, but should the consequences, no matter how far in the past or regardless of the severity, be: public shaming and the taking of livelihood? 

I'm honestly asking because I'm not sure that we are all on the same page.

Should Lauer lose his job? If the allegations are true, which they seem to be. Absolutely. Should Franken lose his job, for an indecent though obviously non malicious, prank photo? I'm not so sure. If he was asleep and a female comedian, like Amy Schumer, posed for a picture pretending to grab his ass, or crotch, should she lose her job? Is there a double standard? Should there be?

Another aspect that makes this subject less clearly defined is the wanted versus unwanted advances. 

Can a phrase or act be defined as appropriate or inappropriate depending on the reaction of the recipient? If that's the case, it can be a roll of the dice whether or not an advance is looked on as innocent flirting or an unwanted act of sexual indecency. And, in those questionable situations, where it is unknown whether or not an advance would be reciprocated, what should one do? Is the appropriate response to never risk it? This seems to be the intelligent and responsible way to behave in a professional setting, and that is fine. Why risk it?

If we do draw a clearly defined line between appropriate and inappropriate sexual behavior, is the line retroactive? Can someone, who committed an act of insensitivity or made a tasteless advance twenty years before the line was drawn, be held responsible for a line that he or she didn't know existed at the time?

I ask these things with honest curiosity. Because these are the questions that we need to answer as a society if we are to move forward. I worry that without some honest and pragmatic discussion, free from overwhelming emotion, we will get caught up in a reactionary lynch mob mentality, in which we will blindly equate all acts of indecency, sexual harassment and sexual assault. In our understandable fervor and outrage, will we lump together any person who has made a crude joke, an insensitive comment, or idiotically misread a situation at some point in the past, with those guilty of sexual assault or rape?

I want to make a few things clear: When it comes to sexual harassment and indecency, the bar must be moved to reflect the equality that we like to consider ourselves worthy of. No one should have to deal with such avoidable bullshit in the workplace. Assault of any kind, and specifically sexual assault, is unacceptable and we, as men, must listen and be empathetic to the experiences of women, both in and out of the work place. We as human beings must listen to each other, no matter our differences of; race, age, sexual orientation, or gender. For, without the ability to view the perspectives of others, we will continue to be brothers and sisters divided. Don't ever think that this need for a glimpse into someone else's perspective doesn't apply to you. It does. Victim or perpetrator, hero or villain, male or female, black or white, none of us are above our responsibility for empathy. And I pray that none of us are above the desire for more understanding. 

What does it mean, that sexual indecency, sexual harassment, and sexual assault is unacceptable in the entertainment industry but is acceptable when it comes to our politicians? Where are we as a country when we ask more from our celebrities than from our elected officials? 

The fact that numerous accounts of alleged sexual assault isn't enough to disqualify someone from the highest office in our county, disheartens me to the chances of reaching an agreement of what is acceptable and unacceptable sexual behavior. When pedophilia can't be agreed upon as a disqualifier when running for senate, as the nominee of a major political party, then what are our chances for agreement? 

This is yet another symptom of refusing to look objectively at issues. We have become so tribal and so unwilling to do anything against those we view as our team mates or tribal members, that we have placed tribe loyalty over our own morals, decency, virtue and justice. 

So without the leaders worthy of leading or, more importantly, without the citizens capable of viewing issues objectively enough to intelligently elect the officials, worthy of the positions they seek, it is left to us. 

The responsibility is on those of us capable of putting our egos, our emotions, and our tribalism to the side to discuss the issues we face. As difficult as it maybe, as uncomfortable as it may feel, we must do the work of engaging in honest discussions of any and all subjects. We mustn't use shame or spite as weapons. We must remove the vitriol and emotion in order to pragmatically discuss, and, or debate, in order to agree upon a direction to move in.

So where is this road headed? There is no doubt that a reckoning is taking place. A reckoning that stems from a righteous cause. But I wonder, is there anyone at the helm? Is it being steered or guided by anything other than raw emotion and vengeance? And if not, haven't we learned anything from the past? 

When a movement is left to be driven by emotion, vitriol, self righteous indignation, and the fervor of a mob like mentality, no matter how genuinely positive its roots are, it always loses its purity and becomes ugly in its results. Such a powerful and unguided motor inevitably pulls unintended and undeserving victims into its gears, crushing them under the justification of a righteous cause. 

The true righteous and lasting endeavors of history were compassionate to all involved. Oppressed and oppressor, victim and perpetrator. Martin Luther King, Gandhi, and Jesus, all let the righteousness speak for itself to enact the lasting change that was necessary. Their missions were never tainted by the smog of emotion, because they realized the tendencies of human nature, to become defensive and to relinquish control to such strong emotions. 

As transparency grows, seemingly exponentially, with the information and accessibility of the internet, I suspect that we may eventually be brought together by our common bond, of our flawed nature. As time passes, our weakest moments and our, once secret, indiscretions will become exposed. And as terrifying as this may sound, I believe it can be a good thing. Hopefully this vulnerability will shower us with some much needed humility. With such raw exposure maybe we'll have less places to hold our critiques and less right to pass judgements.

Here in this present moment, in the midst of this reckoning, we must be willing to learn and also willing to teach. We have to come together to understand the affect that our words and actions have on our sisters and brothers. We have to discuss the parameters, with reasonable expectations, for defining unacceptable behavior. 

Or better yet we should teach and practice empathy, so that there isn't a need for a universal, all encompassing rule to guide our every circumstance with every person. This way we can treat each other as fellow human beings and discover where each persons individual boundaries lie. Where we can get to know and understand each other. Maybe we can stop seeing each other as objects or villains and we can listen to each other. 

Hopefully we can also release our expectation to go through life without being offended. Bad things happen to everybody and though this fact shouldn't stop us from doing what we can to curb these experiences, and hold people accountable, but it should prevent us from being irrevocably damaged and defined by those negative experiences. There is a huge difference in perspective between a survivor mentality and a victim mentality. 

This life is a chaotic, messy, and often painful ride. We all are a part of this experience, where none are veterans and all are rookies. The best we can do is to lean on each other (please, no groping!) using compassion, empathy, brutal honesty, and love to learn from our mistakes, fix what we have broken, and to become better brothers and sisters to one another.

This is just my plea. A plea for conversation...