LOVE AND HATE

The Eastern philosophy of "non-duality" has been on my mind and heart for awhile now. Part of the practice of non-duality is to use the realization; that things, and especially people, are not really separate but only appear to be. That we miss a major part of reality due to maya or illusion.

From this realization of non-duality the idea is to love everyone, because our separation, at a fundamental level, is an illusion, a misrepresentation of reality.

Attempting to truly love EVERYONE is such a monumental proposition that I wonder if I will ever be able to accomplish the task.

So Ive started small; with people that annoy me (which, if you know me at all, you know that there has never been a shortage of people that annoy me).And like the first steps of most journeys, it wasn't too difficult. 

I've slowly made progress and have been able to feel love for some who once really inspired anger in me (specifically in moments of meditation, and then if I'm not present and aware, its only temporary). The goal is to eventually turn hatred to love. And, at times, it seems nearly impossible. I'm aware of the idea that I shouldn't HATE anyone. That hatred is just a byproduct of not being fully aware of reality, its causes, my attachments, and specifically my Ego. However...I'm human and my emotions and feelings are in fact a part of my humanity. To deny this, to pretend to be enlightened and holy, would be a crime against myself and others.

The word hate is so strong that I struggled to think of anyone that I actually "hated". I could only think of one person. My white whale. But first a little context:

As long as i can remember I've had a problem with authority. Specifically a hatred for oppression by authority and injustice. I hated judgmental people who were indifferent towards the suffering of others and the self righteous bullies of the world. Its a theme that has followed through life. I've always felt that I was in a battle against these forces of injustice and that i was justified along the way.

I got suspended from school, all the way back to elementary, for aggressively arguing with teachers and cussing out adults. I've been arrested for resisting arrest, for attempting to incite a riot against, what I considered corrupt and unjust cops. I've been part of the IMF and WTO protests that actually did turn riotous, took part in destroying cop cars fought with riot cops, been tear gassed and pepper sprayed on numerous occasions.

Basically, I've been rebelling against what I considered injustice and the abuse of power forever. I mention these things to give context to the lone person at the top of my "hated" list: Circuit court judge "Ro+%#@s". 

The man who handed me three consecutive sentences. Every sentence was for the maximum time allowed by law. He chose to ignore overwhelming mitigating circumstances that would justify a lenient sentence. To the point that even the prosecutor suggested that a lesser sentence was appropriate. 

The man who flippantly and without any real explanation separated me, for twelve plus years, from society, my parents, sister, friends, my step daughter and son. Not just separating me from them but, them from me. Twelve and a half years without my only son but more importantly that's twelve and a half years of my son without his dad. Time we will never get back, missing out on so much of his life. When he was born, when I became his dad, I truly found myself. And with the limp wrist, nonchalant swing of a gavel it all evaporated. All that was important in my life stripped away. 

At no point do I mention any of this to suggest that I’m the victim of what happened. I only mention the things that, after everything that had happened, are the devastating icing on the cake of a soul crushing and life altering experience. Make no mistake that the pain caused to Monicas family and my family has never been lost or taken for granted by me. And by far, the loss of Monica makes all else, including and especially this prison sentence, seem like minor shit. 

To truly understand why the attitude and extremity of the sentences by judge R. felt like a special kind of abuse of power and injustice would take time and detail not available in this space. Suffice it to say that the judge represents everything that I hate about society. Everything that I stood against, for so many years, was embodied in this asshole in a robe.Who with no remorse or hesitation stripped, from an already shattered man, everything that he could by law (there are laws and guide lines to how much you can sentence for certain crimes). 

And now my happiness, enlightenment, and personal and spiritual growth depends on my ability to not only forgive him but to love him unconditionally! My personality and ego tells me "fuck enlightenment and growth! I cannot…I will not do it!” But my inner self, the one that is timeless and speaks from the center of my chest tells me that by refusing to pass this monumental task I will only be punishing and failing myself. I have to learn to cross this path, not for the sake of the judge, but my own sake.

And it can't be faked or forged. I have to honestly find a place in myself where I can learn to replace my hatred or anger with love. It’s daunting to say the least. 

Now I'm in an everyday battle to prepare myself for this future and inevitable struggle. And for my sake and for the sake of those that I care about I hope to one day be successful in this accomplishment...

But I fear, that should I be successful, a greater and more difficult task will be revealed, maybe a final task...THE final task...to finally turn self hatred into true self Love.