The Void (Understanding And Conquering Addiction)
Understanding and Conquering Addiction.
In all of my years of addiction-treatment one thing was made perfectly clear; that I was an addict. But never was a substantial answer given, to WHY I was an addict. At most, a combination of brain make up and experience was explained as a cause. Which no doubt plays a role but is all too limited in scope. I have come to realize that a more complete picture must be utilized in the understanding and overcoming of addiction.
Its taken me a long time to reach an understanding of my addiction. Way too long. My ignorance to the reality of my affliction has cost me in immeasurable ways. Since being incarcerated I've had the opportunity to really examine my addiction. It took time, perspective, and a lot of self-awareness to get my head around it in its entirety.
Every thing in life, including addiction is influenced and affected by the culmination of prior events. As they say: nothing exists in a vacuum. To understand addiction, first you have to discover its origin. You have to go back to the root and uncover the need that addiction is trying to address. What its misguided purpose is.
On the surface the answer seems to be different from addict to addict: whether it's dealing with trauma, depression, pain or boredom..etc. But these are all just symptoms of a more fundamental ailment. Continue to dig, past the symptom, and you will find the cause.
Behind it all is a void. THE Void. To some, its just a lingering feeling of incompleteness. Of something missing. The need for something more. To me it was a subtle yet ever present pull. Never wavering or relenting. And though it was always there I never understood it for what it was. This is the root from which addiction springs.
I had to sit with this void. I had to examine it and find its origin. No matter how far back I pushed my memory I couldn't recall a time when it wasn't there. Through intensive meditation and a desire for understanding and self-awareness I came to a set of realizations concerning this void. Through finally understanding it, I was able to see my addiction clearly for the first time in my life.
I came to understand the cause of this void, the inability to successfully fill it with substances, and finally the remedy that I'd been searching for.
At its core it is a void of an unfulfilled nature. As humans we have a connection to a metaphysical aspect of the universe and our existence. This is an integral component in our lives. The failure to live up to the deeper meaning for our existence results in the sensation of a void. A void which, when misidentified, we try to fill externally. This is the biggest misconception perpetuated in modern society: that meaning and happiness can be gained externally.
No God must be worshipped to understand this. No religion must be followed. This isn't one of those pitches.
All that must be agreed upon is that we, as conscious beings, are more than just the aggregate of our five senses and our biology. That there is something else to our existence more than just random chance. Something outside of a purely materialistic explanation of the universe. Dare I say it?…that we are 'spiritual' beings.
I use the word spiritual reluctantly. Not because it is inadequate but because of the dogmatic associations that maybe be unfairly attributed to it.
If that word turns you off I understand. A few years ago it would have had a similar affect on me. But as I look back at the time that I held such a limited perspective I must admit that I had done almost no REAL work towards discovering if that perspective was warranted. I read a lot and gained limited information, which I based assumptions on, but I never gained the wisdom that only comes from knowledge confirmed by experience. In my dismissal of anything metaphysical I was speaking from a naive perspective. No doubt limiting myself.
In any case I want to be perfectly clear; I don't espouse a belief in any specific religion, God, or 'new-age' feel good belief system. I’m familiar with materialist philosophy.And their, often reactionary, explanation of the universe. It falls short of adequately explaining many things like; the placebo effect, inspiration, creativity, true altruism, and selfless love. Not to mention the anomalies within their own field like; quantum entanglement and Schrdinger's uncertainty principle. So if you simply can't accept the possibility that there is something more to our existence, then what I say may be irrelevant to you. In a purely materialistic (physical) universe addiction and its fundamental causes can only be addressed and remedied by materialism. i.e.: medicine, surgery, or therapy. Which most addicts have had plenty of experience with. And though they can be successful in subduing addictive actions they seem to always fall short of truly eradicating their cause. Which leads to either the constant suppression of triggers and impulse or the eventual recurrence of the addictive behavior.
The void manifested, in me, a feeling that something fundamental was missing. A subtle but constant knowledge of incompleteness and lack of fulfillment. A feeling that I've had forever. A feeling, I suspect, most of us have but that some manage to ignore or repress. This sensation of a void comes from a misalignment with our higher nature, our higher self, our unfulfilled potential and purpose.
This misalignment is especially heightened in our western culture. Here we are taught that success is measured and found externally from ourselves. Specifically in material acquisitions. Which is the antithesis of our higher nature. We are conditioned to be consumers and producers, in a never ending cycle of earning and buying.
We are taught that happiness and meaning is something to be acquired. We go about this external acquisition of meaning using different methods. However most attempts at filling the void fit into three distinct categories.
The first and most glaringly fruitless example of this is acquisition through material objects: foreign cars, clothes from Italian designers, mansions, boats, electronics, jewelry, etc..
The second, seemingly a little less frivolous, is to fill the void through experience: Expensive vacations, parties, strip clubs, sky diving, fighting, sexual conquest.
And the third type of attempt at filling the void, which is even harder to recognize as external, is the seeking of meaning through others: Relationships. The "perfect" mate, best friends, the acceptance of peers, the adoration of coworkers, Fame for fames sake and notoriety.
For those of us who have realized the ineffectiveness of these methods or just never bought into them in the first place substance abuse often becomes our preferred coping mechanism.
Now that is not to suggest that these things cannot be gained and even enjoyed. They can, but the meaningful happiness, the truest feeling of fulfillment, cannot be found externally. Which is the nature of all these things. They are inherently external. Which doesn't make these things bad it just means that they are in adequate at filling the void.
Realizing the void, and knowing that it comes from a misalignment of our higher nature caused by our misunderstanding, is not enough. Just understanding that there is an ailment doesn't eradicate it.
Many times I've gotten "sober". Or more accurately, I had times when I wasn't acting on my addiction. The stints of 'sobriety' varied in quality and duration depending on the distractions I employed. Sometimes a few weeks, sometimes several years. But what never varied was the presence of the void. It was always there, waiting, growing, needing more. Every time, it eventually led me back to my favorite coping mechanism. This cycle repeated time and time again because I never truly understood the void and so I never did anything to fill it with something internally meaningful.
The next step, after gaining understanding, is to discover the lasting meaning and happiness we need. Something that will truly fill the void and not just cover it up. First I had to discover my purpose, our purpose, in this existence and in this life. And then I had to learn how to fulfill this. This is what I mean by the alignment of our higher nature.
By realizing the failure of the external search, to produce the meaning needed, we must go inward. This is the first step in finding true fulfillment.
The benefits of this practice CANNOT be gained by reading words or listening to speeches. It can be gained in no other way than experientially. If you are not willing to go beyond the words you are currently reading, if you are not willing to take an active part in finding meaning, finding YOUR meaning, then you stand no chance of breaking free from illusion and addiction.
I cannot give you meaning or align you to your nature. All I can do is attempt to describe my experience of finding it.
There is no combination of words that I could string together that would be able to adequately convey the meaning and magnitude of the insights that I've gained through my meditative search. So I will spare you from any attempt at a drawn out explanation. You will either have to take my word for it or go in and uncover these things for yourself.
Everyday I went inward in meditation. There, I came to a set of cascading realizations and truths: I saw that my everyday reality was an illusion. I saw non-duality, that the separateness between individual people was just a part of the picture. I saw that the struggles and pain that I had been through were largely self imposed and that I possessed the ability to put an end to it. I saw clearly that my perspective was completely skewed. That my attachments and desires dictated my life. That the freewill that I assumed I exercised daily was just an illusion. That I was a slave to my impulses and not just drugs but sex and food and anything I could consume. I saw the futility in these endeavors. And I saw all the beauty that slipped past me in my ignorance. The blessings I turned my back on
But I also found, in the deepest recesses of my being, a profound, all encompassing, and compassionate love. A forgiving and understanding wisdom. I glimpsed an internal nature. My true nature. A part of me that has no beginning and no end. A part of me not rooted in space-time. A part of me that is the same as that part in you. I touched our common link and the idea of ME and YOU as being separate evaporated. And in this experience I realized that the only lasting investment is Love and the only thing truly worth losing yourself in is Love. Immersed in that connection I found my higher nature. My true self.
This was just a first step in aligning with my higher nature. A part of the whole. Immersing yourself in this nature is the beginning, not the end. The realizations gained are priceless. They are the knowledge necessary for fulfilling your nature. The MEANING, however, is found in the ACTIONS that come from the knowledge. They are based on your realizations and without them the journey is pointless. The knowledge you posses must bear fruit. You must start living out your nature.
This is the second half of conquering the void and moving into alignment with your intended state.
It starts with meditation but blossoms into many acts: The development of the will, used to gain freedom over impulse. The expression of selfless acts of compassion and love. Self sacrificing for the benefit of others. The spreading of your understanding in humble and honest ways without ego and nothing but pure intention. etc.
The opportunities to fulfill your nature will come in many different forms and with perfect timing. I've found that when acting with humility and purity of purpose the Universe will unfold to meet you. It will start simple: a friend who's hungry when you have only one soup to eat. (clearly a prison example. Substitute money for food if need be) Your initial response is that you need to eat the soup. But to your higher-self that soup will never be of more value than when given away. Your friend still thinks that he NEEDS to eat a soup every night. That he must have a soup. YOU know that his thought is just conditioning and illusion. You know the truth. You know that WANT and NEED are two separate things. And what YOU need is gained only by selfless acts. So you give away the soup.
That's the easy version. Later, just as its barely within your capability, it will be more difficult. It won't be a friend, it will be a perceived 'enemy' that you will need to help.
The chance to fulfill your higher nature through actions will vary in form and difficulty in proportion to your progress. It will always be perfect in scope and importance. Remember, that with the purity of intention, the Universe will unfold to meet you. But also know this: Once Truth has been found, to treat it with willful ignorance will be met with the harshest of lessons. They will be there for you to either seize or ignore.
With every opportunity seized you will slowly fill the void with lasting substance. This, accompanied with a sincere meditative practice, is when the pull of addiction will begin to leave you. The chains will weaken until they are no longer able to control you. You will find a meaning and fulfillment deeper and more permanent than any drug could induce. The struggle to stay sober leaves you and becomes an after thought. And a peace ever deserved yet never attained is finally yours.
This new outlook and perspective must turn into a lifestyle. To be lived in action. It isn't something attained for a moment and then discarded. The alignment must be maintained.
This is the key to addiction. This is how, after being the 'worst' of junkies, I was able to overcome addiction. This is how I gained my freedom. And I have to believe that the path that I have laid out, if followed with humility and unflinching dedication, will work for anyone, no matter what addiction you are trying to fill your void with. Whether it is material objects, experiences, relationships, or illicit substances. None are adequate and all can be overcome...
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