The Shower Test
About a week ago—six days to be exact—the boiler, or the hot water tank, or the little elves who put hot coals in our prison plumbing that make sure we have hot water, took a shit.
The showers in prison don't have the fixtures for both hot and cold water necessary to find that sweet spot of temperate bliss we've all become accustomed to. We have a single button that, when pushed, sprays scalding hot water for 10-15 second bursts. Well, when the elves went on strike the temperature dropped to somewhere around a balmy 45-50° (Michigan's upper peninsula)
Being that it’s prison, and we're basically a bunch of tattooed gossip girls, word quickly spread about the frigid shower temperatures, as did the outrage and indignation at the "horrid" conditions—which, I'll admit, is somewhat understandable considering how often this place takes the opportunity to fuck us over—but this was neither an intentional, or avoidable, act of punishment by the system. Plus not a single drip of cold water had yet to fall.
Like the bumper sticker implies; This was just another turd in a never-ending series of SHIT actually happening.
After being informed that the lifespan of this hot water outage was still to-be-determined, the inmates split into four factions:
Roughly 45% became temperature-sensitive INCAPABLES demanding a solution be found, until which point they would remain defiant, dry, and dirty.
Another roughly 45%, the INNOVATORS, decided they would either birdbath in the sink (still cold) or use the hot water dispenser (for coffee) to fill up the little trashcans in the cubes to create some sort of additional heat source while in the shower.
Another 8%, the GRITTY, said fuck it, it's just a cold shower. I'll bite down on my mouthpiece and get through it.
The remaining 2% (3 people), the OPTIMISTS, took the glass-half-full approach and said, This is wonderful. I haven't been able to take a cold shower in years. Sure it's balls-cold but it's invigorating and it makes me feel alive.
Being the type of asshole who's looks for categorizing patterns in everything, I immediately began to use the four different coping mechanisms as a way to further define/understand my fellow inmates.
That first night, the Incapables were successful in annoying the COs into coming up with a makeshift solution. A shower sign-up list would be put on the board, and the inmates who'd signed up would be taken to other units, after the units had closed down for the night, to take their showers. The problem with this list, as a solution, is that you'd have to spend your entire day, and most of the night, sticky, dirty, and stinky before finally being escorted across the yard to get clean.
Within hours of the list being posted, about half of the Innovators joined the Incapables. By day three all but a couple of the remaining Innovators had followed suit, leaving three factions, but I'd argue that, after the list, there were really only TWO remaining factions: Those who'd decided that a cold shower was an impossibility and those who decided to get clean by ANY MEANS NECESSARY—comfort be damned.
This is usually the point where I'd hit you across the head with one of my favorite Myamoto Musahsi quotes but I'll save you the redundancy and just say, if you look close enough at any system you will find the same repeating patterns and qualities in every other system; learn the micro and you will know the macro. So, if you think that the way you choose to deal with a cold shower is simply THAT, with no other implications, you're not yet paying close enough attention.
It didn't take long for me to come to grips with what this LIST actually meant to me; Tell me how you deal with a cold shower and I'll tell you about yourself. The more I thought about it, the more I saw the list as a sign up sheet for compromise made in the sake of comfort; it was a list of the soft, the coddled, the entitled, the easily swayed, the capitulating, the needy, and/or the lazy; it was everything wrong with the unappreciative and spoiled generations of Americans. Or, to be fair, maybe it was just a list for those who wanted a hot shower and were willing to remain stinky for a majority of the day; I'd argue the two are not that different.
Personally, I spent the first two days in the Gritty camp. I tough-guyed my way through my first few freezing showers with white knuckles. By day three, in an attempt to practice what I preach and deal with an indeterminate amount of cold showers, I decided to realign my perspective to more clearly differentiate what I WANTED from what I actually NEEDED. That's all it took. For the last four days now I've taken seven wonderfully frigid showers, the best showers of my entire prison bid. Every time I'd stay in a little bit longer than the last in an act of appreciation.
After five consecutive days of toe-numbing hygiene, while me and a few of my fellow "Optimists" had CHOSEN to enjoy the rare opportunity for a cold shower, the rest of the unit grew furious. Everyday, for the past six days, the complaints and indignation from the "Activists" grew exponentially until finally, yesterday, the fervor reached a critical mass. Nearing count time, the unit counselor, witnessing an inmate filling a trashcan with the lone source of hot water in the unit, ordered the cold-averse convict to cease and desist his coping mechanism (for the record there was no real reason not to let the guy get some warm water). The altercation quickly erupted into a confrontation that landed on the brink of physical confrontation, at which point the counselor called for assistance.
Now, by no means am I taking the side of this nonsensical prison system or any of it's heartless employees over the inmates who are currently incarcerated and deprived of a comfortable shower and, seemingly, unable to cope. God knows we have enough shit to deal with already without extra shrinkage and temperature-induced blue balls.
What I AM attempting to point out is that in prison, as well as in life, there are things that are simply beyond our control. And though that doesn't mean we should lay down and abandon our attempts to inspire change or voice our dissatisfaction when completely necessary, I would argue that it DOES mean that we should choose our battles carefully, and in strengthening our ability to do so, we should also strengthen the resolve necessary to be immune to the effect of the battles we deem unworthy of our time and effort; like a cold shower for instance.
And just when you're ready to write me off as an uncaring, pessimistic, asshole making an indictment on the weakness and fortitude of the modern American inmate, just for the sake of being an asshole, I'll say this:
The whole point, the saving grace to this entire piece, is to point out that no matter what faction you initially find yourself in, the Incapables or Optimists, no matter what hardship is descending around you, you're just one mental decision away from relocating to a more resolute place of strength, grit, and determination that can eventually lead to joy. Going from someone incapable of coping with struggle to being someone who embraces struggle is a simple as a willful shift in perspective. This lost art form—of true alchemy—is a gem long forgotten amidst the comfort-induced amnesia of modern society.
This simple mastery of perception and perspective is the secret to untouchable, internal, supreme, happiness and, whether you practice with cold showers, intense and painful workouts, or long lines at the DMV, it is our birthright; a birthright we've managed to somehow forget along the way, but is immediately, redeemable through controlled willpower and perspective. Every small struggle, even a frigid shower, is just another chance to strengthen your resolve in preparation for the inevitable larger struggles to come; fail to take advantage of these opportunities when they present themselves and prepare to be bowled over, at some point, in life.
Anyone that I've ever corresponded with can tell you that I always end my letters with the same sign-off, as a reminder of this simple principle, "Till next time, appreciate the small things...EVEN THE ANNOYING ONES."
Look close enough and you'll see that there's beauty in it ALL…even—and especially—in the struggle. I suggest you take a look...
Now cross you name off that list and get in the goddamn shower while it's still COLD!!!