Razor Wire Farewells; Saying Goodbye Behind Bars

(Originally written and posted Dec 2019)

This whole thing—the website, the social media—started as an attempt to share the experience of incarceration, warts and all, with anyone who cared to listen; it was about giving voice to prison life beyond the two-dimensional portrayals of television, movies, and music.

Since being relocated to this new prison I've been forced to dig through everything I own, in an attempt at creating some form of organization within my new confines. This morning, amidst the chaos, I came across a letter I'd written to my cousin's wife Melissa. Who, I'd just been told, had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctors gave her just a few weeks to live. It's moments like these that remind you what freedom means, and how helpless this place can make you feel.

I want to make it clear that this letter was never meant to be read by anyone other than Melissa. Please keep this in mind. It was crafted quickly, for function and purpose, without any thought for style or tone. I just fired off this rambling stream-of-consciousness to tell Melissa what she meant to me and, most importantly, maybe even offer her some comfort while I still had the chance. You should also know a little about Melissa. She is a tough, no nonsense, grew up in the city, not easily shaken, offended, or pushed over, and not the type to bite her tongue, kind of woman. I doubt she was ever a delicate flower. That being said, I always felt her heart. She had a great heart. She was tough but loving. Finding this letter brought back all kinds of memories. After reading it I realized I had to post it. For many reasons; to keep her name alive, to remember and pay respect to her—sure—but most importantly because this is what it's like to be behind bars when someone passes away, and I swore I'd share this experience with you...Warts and all.

I left this brief letter as it was written, unaltered and unedited. A look at what it's like to say goodbye from prison.

Melissa...

Look, I heard you didn't want a bunch of people to know what's goin on with you, or making a big deal, and I can dig it. People's sympathy makes me uncomfortable and I can't stand pity. It's what I tell everyone who reaches out to me since I've been in prison. I tell em I appreciate the love but I will not stand for pity. There is no reason for it. If anything I should pity them. It's the struggle that makes us strong, it's the tragedy that allows us to find out what we're made of. And even though I understand your desire to stay under the radar, with all due respect, I have to say "fuck that!"

If I've learned anything over the last few years, it's not to leave anything left unsaid. Everyone else around you can take the hint, but not me. You won't take away my chance to let you know how I feel. So here it goes.

I didn't want to write to say all the sappy bullshit most people think you're supposed to say in these situations. I know you well enough to know that bull shittin you would be pointless, and acting like a sad dramatic downer would just be annoying. I know that I don’t want to hear that shit in my position, and I'm sure you feel the same. But regardless, I do want you to know that you've been in my thoughts lately and I'm sending you my love.

I wish I was out there so we could talk, I mean REALLY talk. Not about any fake comforting bullshit, or any awkward uncomfortable silence. There is so much that I want to tell you and so much I want to hear from you. I want to know how YOU'RE feeling... about everything, where you're at mentally and emotionally. I mean I can guess, but I won't pretend to know what you're going through. I wish I could do more for you, more WITH you. But since I'm in prison, all I can do is share a few thoughts.

First, you have to know that I was always glad to see you. At any family function I was always on the look out for you and Ricky. I'd be asking everybody if you guys were coming over, and when you'd get there. You were always the ones I could sneak off with to smoke, and talk shit with about our crazy relatives. I'm glad that you're a part of this twisted fucked-up family. You fit in...don't know if that's a compliment or an insult (lol) but I hope you know what I mean. You were always a person I was especially excited to see. You always made me feel welcomed and comfortable at your house, like we'd been family forever. And for that I wanted to say Thank You...

The second thing I wanted to tell you is that, aside from all the bullshit attempts at comforting words and the reassuring shit people get from bumper stickers about life, I want you to know that, no matter what happens, this is not the end.

I promise you it's not.

I'm not talking about angels playing harps on a cloud and a white guy with a big white beard either. 

I've spent a lot of time contemplating the deeper aspects of life, trying to figure out what this is all about. After coming to prison I was blessed with the opportunity to really put the things I've learned to the test. Over the nearly six years of my incarceration (can't believe its been that long) I've studied every philosophical, religious, and spiritual teaching I could get my hands on. There is a TON I don't know but I have learned some things. The most important tool I gained, a tool used by every wise man and woman throughout history, is the importance of quieting the mind and going inward to uncover our true nature and the nature of the universe, or our connection to "God" (oh god, I hope I don't sound like a holy roller or worse, a fuckin hippy. I swear I'm not. I'm just and realist who tries to keep an open mind, someone who's does some research of my own before opening my mouth with an opinion.) That's what I've been doing in here: meditating, reading and writing....and a little working out... and tugging on myself when I can get a few minutes of alone time (I know, I know, TMI but I'm here to keep it real not clean).

Anyway, quieting my mind and going inward in meditation I came to understand a lot of the things I'd been searching for. All of the Universal Truths are in there, inside of us, waiting to be tapped into. 

What I'm trying to tell you is that one of the Truths I came to understand, is that essence of everything is CHANGE, that nothing is PERMANENT. It is all changing. Always changing. Always beginning and ending. And then beginning again. It is the nature of existence, the nature of the Universe. I'm not saying that this understanding makes an ending easy to deal with. Endings are always tough, but in a weird way, what makes endings so sad and difficult is a beautiful thing. Endings are heartbreaking because of Love.

Love is the reason we don't want something to end, love is the only reason to keep going, and love is what makes it so hard to say goodbye. That's what all this is about: Love. And the good thing is that this Love that gives us purpose, the Love that this whole existence is based on; a wife's love, a daughter's love, a mother's love...it never truly dies.

And neither do you.

Not truly. Shit just changes, it never truly ends. Even in a physical, molecular, sense. The molecules that make up our bodies don't cease to exist, they don't even change, they just go back into the universe to become another creation of the Universe. The same Universe that you and me came from, and will go back to, and will again rise from.

We can never "not be" and I want you to know this. The worst part isn't the ending (we've been through countless endings, again and again, and we will go through many more) it is the fear leading up to it, which is where you're at now. Technically, it's where we're all at. The only difference is that you have the blessing (I know it might not feel like it) of knowing that you are approaching another change. You get to tell everyone important to you how you feel, get to hug and kiss your kids, your family, your loved ones. You get to make peace, to ready yourself, to steady yourself to move into this next adventure with at least some sort of closure. Most of us will never get to transition with such blessings.

We will all have to approach this change. And I guess, what I want you to know is that you're not alone. I will take a part of you with me and so will everyone you ever touched. And likewise, you get to take pieces of us with you when it's your time. That's how this works, we are all connected and we always will be. It's that way with everything in the universe and the closer you get the more you will feel the sensation of returning into the fold, an end, but not the end.

And I'm not claiming to know exactly what the continuance of our energy is, or what "heaven" will look like. If I did I'd be full of shit, and the one thing you should be able to count on (at least from me) is honesty. It's something I think we have in common. I don't know the details of what comes next, because we can't know details until we make it there.

Do you remember when we rented that little hall for Nana's birthday/family reunion? I think it was around 2010. Anyway, you, Ricky, me, and Monica snuck out to the parking-lot, so some of us could smoke a joint. Monica was pregnant with Cassius at the time and didn’t partake, but we sat there and passed the joint around the van (I think it was a van) and sipped our drinks and talked about our weird family....I think of that from time to time. I'm glad you got to meet Monica, even if it was just a few times. I miss her so much. I still can't even think about her without my heart twisting into a knot and tears welling up in my eyes. She was the love of my life. There will never be another one for me, and I carry her with me everywhere I go. A piece of her influences everything I do. She sits in my heart and her voice is always in my head (often times talking shit and making me laugh) and she’s still alive in me...You are loved the same way... And I hope that brings you some peace.

This is why I wish we could talk, because there is so much more to tell you, so much more we could talk about, but unfortunately you're just gonna have to take my word on some of these things, and know that I'd never feed you a line of bullshit, or speak in things I don't know...

OK, so I'm done rambling for now. I'm done leaving things left unsaid, so I had to reach out past these prison walls to tell you that you will be in my heart and I love you CUZ!!! Anything the kids or Ricky ever need, I'll be there for, unconditionally... Remember, this is not the end, take advantage of this opportunity and never leave anything left unsaid, and focus on the moment, most of us let our whole lives slip by without ever looking up, take this beautifully difficult chance to look up and take it all in. 

I can't go anywhere until my earliest release date so you know where I'll be if you want reach me. If you have any questions or if you just wanna kick it holler at my mom through Facebook.

Hold your head up and give 'em hell CUZ!!! I Love U, and so do MANY others...

Your fucked-up, incarcerated, cousin Bobby C... AKA Chino (that's my prison name)

So that's it.

I typed this up as fast as I could and sent it out on Jpay. I wanted to get in as many conversations with her as I could. But it turns out the doctors were wrong. She didn't have weeks. The letter took two days to process and by the time my mom was able to send it to Ricky, her husband and my cousin, Melissa had already passed away... 

Rereading this makes me feel like a flailing asshole scrambling, and failing, to express myself without making her uncomfortable and at the same time trying to give her something resembling peace of mind based on the comfort I've found. I don't know...The fact that I never got to say goodbye will stay with me for the rest of my life. Sometimes life is just a fucking asshole.

The toughest times in prison aren't always about the hunger, the violence, or the isolation. For me, it's moments like these, when you feel truly helpless, when you truly understand the freedom you'd once taken for granted; the freedom to say goodbye to someone you love, the freedom to try and comfort someone you care about...even if you sound like a stammering asshole.

RIP Melissa. Goodbye and LOVE...XOXO!!