THE DEAL
THE DEAL
As hard as prison is at times, I try to remind myself of the blessings that are to be found in even the darkest of circumstances.
Since I've come down, I can't stop thinking about an episode of a podcast I listened to when I was in the free world. I don't remember what podcast it was, but I never forgot what it was about.
Joe Rogan, Duncan Trussel, Daniellie Bolleli, the guys from Radiolab or who ever it was that I was listening to, were talking about a study done by John Hopkins University, Columbia, or Chucky E Cheese, again the details are a bit fuzzy. These John Hopkins guys went to visit terminally ill hospice patients teetering on the precipice of death.
The purpose of the visits were to research the experiences of death, specifically as it involves end-of-life regrets. So these people from John Hopkins, Columbia University, or Pizza Hut, they asked all these patients, just days from death, if they had any regrets, and if so what they were.
What they expected, was a wide variety of responses. What they found, was that most of the regrets were incredibly similar. As the study progressed they noticed that many of the responses were universal, across the board.
As it turns out; no matter who we are, where we come from, what our political affiliations, what our race, creed, or religion are, when we find ourselves at the end of the line, and its time to look back at our lives, we, more often than not, have the exact same regrets.
The most common responses from the hospice patients were things like:
1. I wish I realized that happiness can be a choice.
2. I wish I would have spent less time at work.
3. I wish I had spent more time with loved ones.
4. I wish I that I would have followed my dreams.
5. I wish I would have cared less about the opinion of others.
Regardless of what the answers were it got me to thinking. And to be honest, it terrified me. The fact, that every single person that they interviewed had regrets at the end of their lives, and that they were so universal, crawled into the folds of my brain and wouldn't leave.
Whether you're an atheist, a Christian, a Hindu, or a Buddhist, one indisputable fact, the one thing we have without a doubt, is this current life. That is indisputable. And the thought of reaching the end of my one chance, this experiment of life, of this miracle of consciousness and existence, and having regrets is terrifying.
I shudder to think of lying in bed, in my twilight years, as the vitality of life slips away, only to realize that I'd had it all wrong. That I let it all get away from me without ever looking up in appreciation. That I'd invested my invaluable and all too fleeting time in the wrong things; like money and work, instead of love and meaning. I could think of nothing more unsettling, upon the closing of my eyes for the last time, than the feeling that I'd missed the point, and that it's too late to do anything but die with regret.
This pinnacle of fear resonated with me, and the finality of death and regret lead me to a day-dreamt thought experiment about what I'd give up to avoid such a fate.
In this hypothetical, I asked myself what I'd do if in my twilight years, firmly planted on my deathbed, filled with regret of a wasted life, if God (or Doc Brown from Back to the Future) appeared and offered me a second chance. I imagined that God would tell me that he could send me back through time and I'd get another chance to really appreciate life and die without regret, but, like everything in life, it would come at a cost.
The deal would be, if I choose to take it, that he'd snap his fingers and I'd wake up decades earlier, with no knowledge of my later years, or the deal. He'd promise me that I'd gain the meaning and importance to live and die without regret this time. The trip back, he'd say, would cost me twelve years in prison. Twelve years without family without loved ones, without control, without property, without my other half, and without freedom. My part of the deal would be to spend twelve lonely years behind bars while the world went on without me.
It's not that God is a sadist in this scenario, it's just that; this twelve year struggle, where everything is taken away, is the only way he could guarantee that I'd gain the appreciation of life that I was searching for.
The purpose of this thought experiment was to figure out what I'd give to live a life of meaning so that I could die without regret. To choose whether I'd rather live a long and relatively easy life that missed the mark and ended unfulfilled, or If I'd I rather suffer through twelve years in prison if it meant that I'd come out the other end with a true appreciation for life and what it means to be alive?
It all comes down to what holds more value to you? Comfort or meaning?
I know, without a doubt, which I'd choose: I'd risk it all; the time, the comfort, the pleasure, and the freedom, if it meant that I could gain the understanding to truly do justice to this one chance at existence.
After making my choice, I imagine I'd be whisked back in time maybe forty, fifty, years and dropped off to start paying off my part of the deal. That's how it'd work.
And this is how I choose to view my current reality. This is me being sent back. This is me paying the debt in order to gain the purest appreciation of life through absence and struggle; a struggle I agreed to, and no matter how long I have to do this, or how hard and lonely it gets, if I can live even a day of true appreciation and gratitude for everything I'd taken for granted up to this point, it will have been worth it.
The question you should be asking yourself right about now, a question that I can't give you the answer to, is this; can a True appreciation (with a capitol T) only be gained through absence and struggle, or can it be gleaned second hand from a study on deathbed regrets or a Facebook post?
For your sake I hope that it's the latter. In any case I have to use this opportunity. I owe it to everyone who ever mattered to me, including myself, to never take life and all it's intricacies for granted ever again.
This is it. If I can view this part of my life as if I've been sent back from my deathbed. If I can see this as my second-first chance at getting it right, of living my life with true appreciation and reaching an end without regret then I truly am blessed.
And if you are reading this, then this can be your second-first chance too. No matter the cost, no matter the struggle, remember those that went before us and what they told those guys at Chuck E Cheese....and don't risk dying with regret...