Last Words

Nothing separates man from beast more than humor. By shining a light on the absurdity of it all, humor can irradiate the gravity from any situation, no matter how dire, even death...

   The following are some famous last words throughout history that beautifully illustrate the power of humor to render anything manageable by simply making fun of it:

   George Appel (died 1928 executed in the electric chair): "Well gentlemen, you're about to see a baked apple" (I bet he wishes he'd said fried)

   Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957): "I should have never switched from scotch to martinis"

   Henry Fox (Holland, first lord 1705-1774): "If Mr Selwyn calls, let him in: If I'm alive I shall be very glad to see him, and if I'm dead he will be very glad to see me."

   Sir Thomas More (1478-1535) After his head has been upon the executioners block, he lifted up and gently drew his beard aside, and said: "This hath not offended the king."

   Eugene O'Neil (1888-1953): I knew it. I knew it: born in a hotel room—and God damn it—died in a hotel room."

   Sir Walter Raleigh (1552-1618) On feeling the edge of the axe before his execution: "Tis a sharp remedy but a sure one for all ills."

   George Sanders (1906-1972): Dear world I am leaving you because I am bored. I feel I have live long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool—good luck. [suicide note]

   William Saroyan (1908-1981) "Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case. Now what?

   John Sedgwick (1813-1864) (OK, this one wasn't intentionally humorous by Sedgwick but I had to include it because it's hilarious.) These were his last words, in a response to a suggestion that he should not show himself over the parapet during the Battle of the Wilderness: "Nonsense, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--."

   Adam Smith (1723-1790) "I believe we must adjourn this meeting to some other place."

   Lytton Strachey (1880-1932) "If this is dying, then I don't think much of it."

   Felix Carpio Vega (1562-1635) On learning he was about to die: "All right then, I'll say it: Dante makes me sick."

   And this is by far my favorite, and possible the greatest, last words of all time. By Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) As he lay dying in a drab Paris bedroom: "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do." 

   Nothing in this whole comic human experience called life should be taken too seriously to make light of... Even the gallows. Now I have to go and write something equally irreverent, ridiculous, and appropriate to use as my final words.