Reduction Of A Moment

When all is said and done, after all the results have been tabulated, the votes counted, it turned out that I was just a lost soul...A lost soul just stumbling through this chaotic and terrifyingly beautiful, existence called Life.

All the while I held the best of intentions in my heart and the heaviest of baggage on my back. 

I shudder to think that, along the way, more pain was caused than love inspired...I hope beyond words that I'm wrong, but the gravity in my chest says that I'm not.

So now I find myself, pushing and pushing, in a perpetual attempt to tip the scales in the other direction.

Whether or not I am successful in this endeavor cannot be my goal. I have been blessed to discover that the small bits of salvation, that lighten the load on my heart, come from the process itself. And so I continue...for nothing more that the sake of the process.

How little control we may actually have. 

I've come to suspect that the totality of life, all the planning and preparing, hoping and wishing, the thinking and fearing, may just boil down to a single moment of choice. Just a single instant of actual freewill...The rest feels like the actual choices and decisions that you make but, in reality, are nothing more than the clever self deception of determinism. 

What a frightening prospect.

When your moment comes, I pray that you can recognize it, that you are prepared for it, but I fear that almost none of us are.

So we here we are. Doomed to live the rest of our lives in the aftermath of our failure. 

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Originally written 2017