Notches On A Wall

(Originally written 2017, and posted June 2019)

Notches On A Wall And Temporary Happiness

Divisions of time...that's all prison is. Different markers of passing time.

Count: every few hours.

Chow: every six hours.

Weight pit: once a day.

Laundry: six days a week.

Haircut: once a week.

Store: every two weeks.

Secure packs: every three months.

Birthdays: once a year.

Living life by the notches on a wall seems to play with the elasticity of time. Sometimes a week crawls by at a mind numbing pace and other times years slip through your fingers in an instant. But the usual formula, though exaggerated, still follows: time fly's when it’s behind you and crawls when it's ahead.

One thing that such a predictable and repetitive nature can show you is the impermanence built into everything that is susceptible to the flow of time.

I was getting my haircut today, which I do once a week, when I saw, with more clarity than usual, how brief the satisfaction would be. One, maybe two, days to feel satisfied, when my cut still looks crispy. For three days it’s all together unremarkable. One day when it starts to look like shit. And then the last day, when I decide that it needs to be cut again. The life cycle of a haircut.

This cycle can repeat countless times as long as I still draw breath. And make no mistake, this cycle is more universal than you might think. It’s not just limited to the things as obviously impermanent as a haircut. Money, clothes, stability, relationships, health...its all sand through an hourglass. Temporary satisfaction.

That's not to say that you shouldn't take part or invest time into these things. You should, that's part of this human experience. Just know what they are. Be aware that tying your fulfillment and happiness to these things is to leave your self vulnerable to the chaos and impermanence that is part of the fabric of life.

Too often we invest in happiness out side of this moment. We plan to be happy at some point in the future, after we have accomplished some imagined set of goals. Or we become convinced that happiness was possible in the past and it either evaded us or faded away with time. Those are just mental constructs, and as contradictory as it may sound, they aren't real, they never were. 

If you can't look up from your computer screen right here, right now, and find something to be grateful for, to be happy about, something to love about yourself and your life, then you're wasting this moment. Wasting this experience. And missing the point. Not because you're unworthy or incapable. It’s just a distorted perspective. All you have to do is be present in the moment. Shift your point of view. Look from a different vantage point. Choose to focus on the beautiful things in your life and recognize that their beauty is only enhanced by their impermanence. 

For those of you thinking: "What do you know about it? What the fuck have you been through?" I get it. I would have thought the same things a few years ago. But if you know just the tip of my iceberg of experiences I think you'd agree that I've earned a bit of credibility in the suffering department and especially in the being "blind to my blessings" aspect of my life. (Feel free to google me)

It isn't easy either. Nothing truly worth doing ever is. I have to be vigilant to remember and use the lessons that I've learned, especially in a place like this. In prison its all too natural to live for the future, for your release day. To look ahead to the day when you, once again, gain your "freedom". But as hard as it is to live in the present and to find happiness in this setting its also magnifies the need to do so. 

All around me are people who have labeled themselves, and so become, victims. Victims of society, of the police, of a judge, of circumstance, of bad luck, of anything. And no matter how true the statements and feelings may be, to give in to them is to truly surrender. To admit defeat. Once you view yourself as a victim, the rest is easy. You relinquish your responsibilities. The responsibility to learn, grow, forgive, and to love. As a victim all you have to do is let time roll past. You no longer have to worry about using the opportunity to gain a knowledge of self. You no longer have to do the hard work. You just sit as the delusion of "fairness" turns to anger, which turns to hate, which inevitably turns to misery. This is the real prison. A prison that only you can free yourself from.

Though rare, there are those in here who have found real meaning and discovered true happiness. They come in every color and are of every faith. The one thing that they all share in common is the work and dedication that they have put into, first defining, and then finding these things. They have taken their happiness into their own hands. They have decided to stop waiting for happiness to find them and in the process they have found themselves.

The idea, that freedom is a physical place or that happiness is a moment in time, is a delusion. A misunderstanding of reality as a whole. But if you live life long enough under the spell of a delusion it can become indistinguishable from reality. If you give an idea enough weight it can manifest itself in your life and become another obstruction in your view of Truth.

If you can learn the lessons that I've learned, without the heavy costs that I've spent for their purchase, then you are truly ahead of the game. I wish beyond words that I could have come to this realization without so much suffering, without being imprisoned for twelve years, without being separated from my kid for so long, and without losing the closest thing to a soulmate that I will ever know. But I couldn't. And I'd be a hypocrite if I lived in the failures of the past, as if any of it happens in a vacuum. As hard as it is to grasp, as difficult as it is to admit, its all part and parcel to my journey. And it’s far from being over. My only responsibility is to be aware of it all, to do my best to conquer every test that arises, and to let none of it be lost on me.... that's it?...yep, that's it.

I just hope that someone else can benefit from the things that I've learned. I have to believe that you don't have to take the same path to discover the same truths...if I'm wrong then God help us all.